I have recently been compiling a list of pointless things. Not the obvious ones like politicians, Brexit and Donald Trump but more important ones that really affect my everyday life.
It all started with a toilet brush. Why would anybody design, manufacture and market a toilet brush that not only rusts and shows every mark but magically unscrews itself and drops down the bowl when you use it? Another pointless item along the bathroom theme – laundry baskets with lids. With all due respect, men seem challenged enough to get a garment near a basket, let alone to expect them to open the lid! The younger male in my household has given up with the basket and now leaves all clothes on his bedroom floor. I periodically venture over to the dark side with an industrial snow shovel and collect what I can, then sort out clothes from crockery, pizza boxes and drinks cans. I then carefully wash, iron and return said clothes only to repeat the whole process ten days later – so that in itself is somewhat pointless.
Moving on to the kitchen. Those of you who have been following me over the years will know I love my kitchen. A hundred years ago when I first left school I trained as a chef and I know there isn’t a job in the kitchen that can’t be completed with a good sharp knife. Having said that I have succumbed to one or two gadgets over the years. The first was a juicer. Put apples in the top, press the button and out comes fresh, cloudy apple juice. Simple. I put the apples in the top, then covered myself and most of the kitchen in a sort of brown snot that smelt like mud. It took me three hours to clean up and I never used it again. And so we move on to the spiralizer. ‘It makes noodles out of cucumbers and spirals out of carrots’ apparently. What’s wrong with cucumbers being sliced and carrots being baton-ed? And surely if I want noodles, I’ll just cook noodles. This gadget didn’t even make it to the washing up bowl and back to the cupboard – it went straight in the bin.
Finally, to more mundane objects. The humble whisk. Big ones, small ones that look like tea strainers, balloon ones and my particular whisk of choice (or so I thought) silicon ones. Silicon doesn’t scratch my pans and is easy to clean. What they don’t tell you is that the cover comes off the handle and the biggest loop of the whisk bends sideways, catches on the next biggest loop, then flicks whatever you are whisking at the ceiling – and believe me when I tell you how hard cheese sauce is to get off!
To end, I bring you the cling film box. The cardboard tabs on either end of the box are supposed to act like a spindle for the cling film roll. Well they don’t, they just dent the wrapper so every time you want some clingfilm it catches on the edge and unfurls like industrial candyfloss!
I implore you, oh great manufacturers of the world, in an era where we can put men on the moon and new hearts in human bodies please can someone just make me a whisk or a bog brush that is fit for purpose! I thank you.