As regular readers will know, I am sure to be running the country at some point and have already shared with you a number of laws that I intend to implement – full length mirrors in every household, a complete ban on marketing calls by people in Deli called Michael or Jessica – and now my latest campaign: the correct and proper use of cutlery. I realise there are certain circumstances that will be exempt from my new ruling; burgers in paper bags, kebabs after midnight and anything bought from an establishment that can be hooked to the back of a Vauxhall and towed away, but there I draw the line. Few things upset me more than seeing a ‘youth’ on telly with elbows outstretched and a knife and fork that are clearly going to be used as chisels rather than the dissection of a well-presented meal.
We are regularly warned of the plight of the family meal. No longer do we gather on a daily basis to swap incidentals and enjoy each other’s company, and the side effect of this demise seems to be a generation of unruly armed-weapon wielding tray balancers. Meal times should be calm, pleasant times to digest both food and conversation without fear of loss of limb or earlobe; not a five-minute ‘gobble & go’ using forks as shovels and knives as threats. And what happens if we try to introduce complicated tools like the humble soup spoon, the lobster or crab pick, the fish knife or the long forgotten cake fork? All these are perfectly sensible items that have long been lost in the cutlery drawer of the past; each is specifically designed to carry out a job and yet has become almost redundant. You wouldn’t try to hammer a nail into a wall with a spanner, or undo a bolt with a mallet, so why settle for the ‘this one does all’ attitude?
Being able to sit at a table and confidently eat a meal with the correct cutlery is a talent not to be sniffed at. At home or in a restaurant how you conduct yourself can say buckets about who you are. No matter what line of work you are in, or relationship status – at some point it is a fair bet you will need to impress at a meal table. Do you remember the scene in Pretty Woman where the beautiful girl has the hair, the jewels and the dress but is clueless about mealtime etiquette? – without supervision she would have been identified as a fraud immediately!
So I implore you, dear reader, to cast aside the flat handled, bendy, matt finish cutlery of the canteen table and embrace the shiny, ‘specifically designed for that dish’ cutlery of the past and bring it back to our tables with pride.
I thank you.