To kiss or not to kiss – the eternal question.
The first level of this conundrum is a physical one. None, one, two or even – God forbid we could be here all night three – greeting kisses all of which will inevitably be air kisses and please no ‘mmmwah’ sounds or actual contact. The second level is a moral one – at what point do you reach a level of friendship with either a man or a woman where you introduce physical greetings? Some people seem to be very happy to hug and kiss as soon as they set eyes on you. Others are more distant and reluctant to share space. This is not a judgement upon how much they like you, it’s just a personal decision about letting people into their space. I love to see the men in the pub greeting each other. A firm handshake with the occasional slap on the back just to reaffirm the relationship and strengthen the pack. Surely that’s all that is needed. It says ‘Hi – welcome – I’ve got your back’. I get easily confused by the elaborate handshakes with twist and turns. Do young men go to evening classes to learn the different moves, bumps, wiggles and grabs and then, after extensive practice, graduate on to the streets to perform flawless clasps?
Travelling in South Africa many years ago the greeting to the local tribespeople was a particular handshake which showed respect on both sides for culture, land and traditions; a simple gesture with depth of meaning spanning years – but I am not sure why a similar greeting is necessary outside Boots in Bingham. Then there is the fist bumping greeting which one can only assume goes right back to gorillas in the jungle.
There are, of course, secret handshakes of secret societies. How do you know who to perform such a handshake on – and surely if everyone knows who is in, or not in the society so as not to dish out the handshake incorrectly then it can’t be very secret? The most offensive is the palm tickle of the 1980’s which tells the ‘shakee’ that the ‘shaker’ fancies them. I was in our local pub with my husband, not so many years ago, when I was greeted in such a way. If the bloke in question had jumped up and licked my face I could not have been more offended and I struggled to resist the urge to vomit directly into his lap!
It’s not just a physical thing. Texting is fraught with dilemma as well. A jovial text to a friend can be followed by a small ‘x’ but a dinner arrangement with a loved one merits a ‘X’ and, if you are particularly happy about it, a ‘Xx’. But then where does the plumber fit in? You desperately need him to fit the new shower next week and by some small miracle he has agreed to turn up on Tuesday. Your gratitude and pleasure can only be expressed in a text with the addition of ‘x’: but wait, there is another way! What about the smiley face, or the winky one, and do you put it with a kiss or on its own? Will it seem too flirty or would a standard ‘x’ not be enough? I vote we all buy fountain pens and return to the written word and the wax seal … Yours Sincerely or Yours Faithfully – which is more appropriate for a plumber?
Dear God where will it end?