There are many questions that plague the educated of our universe. Did men really land on the moon? Which came first KFC or Maccys? Where does Donald Trump’s comb over really start and end? And most importantly who invented ‘the beep’?
Everything, it seems, ‘beeps’ and I do object to being beeped at. It is generally completely without warning (should there be a pre-beep?) and becomes like a petulant toddler tugging at your coat. Me, Me, Pay attention to Me! My iron beeps if it is left on and not used. My hob beeps if there in a chance the item resting on it isn’t a saucepan. My washing machine beeps to let me know it is off on another cycle and then again when it has finished. My children have ipods, phones, tablets, all of which beep when they are low on battery, receiving vital information or generally bored. Every time I touch a button on a phone it beeps to let me know I am dialling a number – thank you I am aware – it’s in my hand – and don’t get me started on my car.
It seems human beings are devolving into gelatinous lumps that can’t possibly work out whether a car that is 6 foot long will fit into a parking space that is 5 foot long without shunting the Escort at the front or the BMW at the back. So let’s add beeping sensors to every conceivable edge to let you know when you are being a complete muppet. As soon as I engage reverse gear in my lovely but oh so paranoid car it’s like having a nervous passenger. “Careful what’s that…a rain drop….ok…carry on. Hang on there’s something else…..an unusually tall blade of grass…that’s fine….as you were.” As yet I haven’t hit anything ( down to my driving ability not nervous nelly in the back) but I am fairly sure that at some point I am going to be so cross with all the beeping that I shall ignore it and drive over a bollard just to spite it!
I do realise that as a nation of people who are losing the ability to think for themselves and are more and more relying upon pointless government departments to state the bloomin’ obvious there is unfortunately a need for ‘a beep’. But couldn’t we replace it with something more polite? A gentle cough perhaps or a well-placed ‘excuse me’ in the accent of your choice? As we develop more gadgets and become reliant upon more technology to guide, educate and entertain us we are becoming unwitting slaves to these noises making demands on our time and direction so please someone find an alternative alert and text me when you do……..now where did I put my phone?